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+personal+
name: _Miss M_ (Mel)
s/n: MJABMM7981
dob: 03-14-79
occupation: Web Developement Student
likes: tea, darkness, the moon, marilyn manson, dr. pepper, Friends, reading, quiet, peace, my headcase, chatting online, music.
unlikes: people, techno or pop/rap music, mondays, early mornings, giddy peppy people, math, science, annoying behavors such as whinning or screamning, shots in the arm.
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+fanlistings+
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+poetry+
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All poetry here is ©Miss M 2004 unless otherwise noted by author.
Roses in the hospital
Stub cigarettes out on my arm
Roses in the hospital
Want to feel something of value
Roses in the hospital
Nothing really makes me happy
Roses in the hospital
Heroin is just too trendy
Roses in the hospital
Try to pull my finger nails out
Roses in the hospital
I want to cling to something soft
Roses in the hospital
Progressing like a constant war
Roses in the hospital
There's no one to feel ashamed for
)Manic Street Preachers, 'Roses in the Hospital')
"It's about people who hurt themselves in order to concentrate, or just to feel something."
"I wear my scars proudly.
They represent the battles through which I have gone,
And I am proud because
those battles I have won."
~Abby
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+currently+
feeling: confused & lost
wearing: black nirvana shirt and bondage pants
hearing: manson (what else)
watching: Marilyn Manson Dead to the World
consuming: nothing at the moment
wanting: to figure things out
chatting to: heidi jesse
browsing: Miss M's Maddness
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+daily entries+
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Date: 6.06.04
Mood: Chillin' (is that a mood?)
Surrounded By: Friends - Sesson 6
Drinking: Diet Dr. Pepper
Randomness:
I'm still lost - nothing new there huh?! haha Alright in all seriousness I'm still confused as hell and lost in this thing we call life. What a fucked up life that is. I don't know what to do I can't even think up a new fuckin' design for the site. I don't know what I'm gonna do about anything...big or small. I bought a new journal today to write in and carry around with me everywhere I go. I will jot down things and when I think of them, I will get them out of my system. It won't be as good as this online journal but it will do. I need to start listening to music I think. I have been doing nothing but watching Friends on dvd the sessons I keep buying and watching. They are supposed to pick me up and make me laugh. I don't know about that, they do take my mind off things but I'm going into a Friends phase and it's not good. I want to be Pheobe and that's not good. I love her though with all I have. I want to look like her but that will never happen. I'm not white and not skinny and don't have blond hair. I remind people of her though I'm not as in my own world as her all the time but I do remind myself of her even. I love her to death! I wish that Friends could give me some advice about life and show me some direction. Then things would be alright again. I just need some direction and make a choice. I need to figure out what I'm going to do and this just sucks...everything sucks right now still. I'm just gonna whine and bitch and complain and be a bitch! I need to figure shit out and don't know how I'm gonna do it! I have been told to just move on and move forward but I don't know how to even do that. I don't know what forward is...I keep going back. I don't know that this online journal thing is good, I do get things out and off my chest but I don't know who the hell would want to read about my stupid fucked up and BORING life! I should get some sleep not that I haven't been getting enough lately, that's all I've been doing. I just sleep my days and hours away and don't think and that's all I can do it seems. I will see another day...
[12:00am]
Date: 6.06.04
Mood: Tired
Listeing To: Marilyn Manson
Drinking: Nothing
Randomness:
I'm still so lost in this fucked up world. I'm finally getting to talk to the one that has my heart again - it's a nice feeling and I'm so glad we're able to talk finally again. She is my everything, I can't live without her for too long. I just wish I were closer to her. I hate living so far away - I want to be with her, near her, hold her close. It's killing me really! I hate it! That's part of the reason I feel so lost in the world right now. I feel like I have no place in the world, that I'm not suppoed to be here and I don't and won't find my 'nich' in life! I fear that I will get no further in life than I am right now and that would suck big time! I want to tell everyone who I love but don't want to hurt her either. I am so confused about life and everything in it right now. I am scared to find another job and scared to even go looking for one. I know I can't live here all my life and I have to try to do something with my fucked up life. I know it sounds like I'm feeling sorry for myself and I should just shut the hell up...that's not it though. I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I really am just feeling fucked up and not right about anything. I wish I could get some direction here! I really do! I don't know where to go or how to get there or where I'm trying to get even! I know it's fucked up...that's my life though! I'm gonna stop writing for the night while I'm ahead I think. I know this is my journal and I can say what I want but I just don't feel like dwelling right now and that's what I feel I'm doing. So I will close this and write again tomorrow when things might look a bit brighter...one could always hope, right?! hehe
[2:14AM]
Date: 6.01.04
Mood: Tired
Listeing To: Good Charlotte
Drinking: Diet Mountain Dew
Randomness:
I'm not working any longer. I don't work as of Sunday. I couldn't take working there that was no hidden secret but I don't know what I'm going to do now. I feel so lost and so alone and so hopeless. I don't know how to make things better. I feel like no matter what I do it will add up to nothing. I feel like I'll always fail and that I'll never amount to anything. I hate feeling like this. This is when I wish I couldn't feel - when I wish I had no emotion. Things would be so much better then I think. I also wish I could be with the one that has my heart and holds it so carefully. I wish I could be closer to them and wish I could hold them and make them feel good. I wish that I could be held by them, they would make everything so much better. Even if they couldn't solve the problem directly just having them near would make things better. I just hate life right now and don't know how to change that. My parents tell me that I have to do something and then I'll feel better, but I just feel like doing nothing. I hate feeling so lost and not having any direction in life. I thought this would go away when I was done with high school but boy was I wrong. I feel like I'm in high school again, I feel like I'm some teenager lost and directionless again. I hate that feeling. I never want to be that age again, though it would be easier because you wouldn't be expected to be something or someone - you'd be allowed to be lost and not have direction. Now I have to have direction and should be farther along with life than I am - I know. I hate this! That's all I can say right now. I just want to be alone and have everyone go away! I want to crawl in a whole and die. I just feel like this life has nothing for me. I don't know anymore about anything. It's not good...definatly not good! There's not much I find in this life for me and that scares me to some point. I don't know what I'm gonna do and that scares me - I think my biggest fear is that I'll end up no further in life than I am right now and that isn't good! I just hope that one day I'll grow up and get my head outta my ass and make things happen right for myself. I try and try and fail and fail...
[12:19AM]
april 2004
may 2004
june 2004
july 2004
august 2004
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+daily entries+
You are The Antichrist Superstar Identity! Scary,
crazy, strange, dangerous, and powerful.
What Marilyn Manson Identity are YOU?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Marilyn Manson, the arch dandy. You like
dead things, absinthe and wearing make up.
You're also dating a porn star, go you!
If You Were In Marilyn Manson Who Would You Be?
brought to you by Quizilla
You are Dana Scully. You're very kind and
extremely loyal. You rely on science and
reason, but this can often make you come off as
frigid and bitchy, of course you're good
nature, and not to mention good looks, will win
anyone over.
Which X Files character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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